Not the usual music I would post about, but as a little homage...

(I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .)

(...)

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
(Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror)

At the moment I am, well I may as well own up, depressed. It seems as if everything I try to do has unforseen issues associated with it. After my divorce, I am deep in debt and unable to pay a lot of it and certainly unable to get any help. My job seems unduly complex and well, hell, everything seems like an uphill struggle.

The funny thing is I created this reality. I am responsible for my current life issues and I really need to change my thinking, my imagining and my life creation. The problem is is that when you sink into negativity you attract more of it. I have to break the loop and think positively. I need to get my interest in life back again and once again thrive on the stress of my situation. I am a creative guy and I can rise to these challenges but for months now I feel like I am carrying the world on my shoulders.

I need to help myself and find the light in this self created darkness.

The funny thing is is that I know where to find this light. Inside of me. I know its there and I know I could find it but when you feel like this, you can't be bothered to try. Or at least - I can't.

So, must make the effort and find that light again, laugh and smile and realize my problems are minutae compared to many other folks in life.....

Day by day I feel my life slipping away
I see the lines forming and the steel in my hair
I see my children growing, moving away
I spend more time thinking on what might have been
And less on what might yet be
Less time chasing dreams, coveting things
Time is more precious than ever before
Feel a need to try to live just a little more

Time speeds along and life is a thing that simply happens
Difficult to plan or foresee or indeed, control
I see my reflection these days and have to wonder
Who is it that looks back at me?
I chuckle at things my parents said to me
As I hear myself saying those very same things
About feeling young yet looking older
About possessions and people, values and dreams

It’s like a favorite song of mine that says
“Just when you got life finally figured out you die”
So many mistakes, so many needless worries
So many stupid ambitions and silly thoughts
Those lines and that steel in my hair are the
Patterns my wasteful stupidity created
But they add up to something immensely precious
Wisdom of a kind....

By AA

From our lives' beginning on
We are pushed in little forms
No one asks us how we like to be
In school they teach us what to think
But everyone says different things
But they're all convinced that
They're the ones to see

So they keep talking and they never stop
And at certaint point you give it up
So the only thing that's left to think is this

I want out... to live my life alone
I want out... leave me be
I want out... to do things on my own
I want out... to live my life and to be free

People tell me A and B
They tell me how I have to see
Things that I have seen already clear
So they push me then from side to side
They're pushing me from black to white
They're pushing 'til there's nothing more to hear

But don't push me to the maximum
Shut your mouth and take it home
cause I decide the way things gonna be

I want out... to live my life alone
I want out... leave me be
I want out... to do things on my own
I want out... to live my life and to be free

There's a million ways to see the things in life
A million ways to be the fool
In the end of it, none of us is right
Sometimes we need to be alone

No no no, leave me alone

I want out... to live my life alone
I want out... leave me be
I want out... to do things on my own
I want out... to live my life and to be free

I was talking to an acquaintance recently who shares a similar outlook on life and we got to talking about occultists and their lives. It seems many of us in this field end up with very complex and challenging (to say the least!) lives. Why is that?

Is it simply how the inner planes work throwing everything at you as a sort of challenge? Is it the inner planes trying to move you in a certain direction in life or is it just coincidence? I suspect a little bit of all three since when we are looking for something we tend to notice it more. Just like buying a car in a certain color because very few others have that car in that color until you actually buy it and then all of a sudden every second car is the mirror image of your own...

When I started down this path seriously about a decade ago I was warned things could get tough. And sure enough they did. Even tougher after 'initiation' and tougher still after attempting and then placing on hold the SOL's second degree course. But, I have learned a great deal (unfortunately not enough in many respects). I think that my ego still tries to cut its own channel far too often and because of that, life seems full of difficult lessons.

I recently posted here regarding the Esoteric Forum. I gave my opinion of that website just as I write book reviews from time to time. Well, they banned me from the site as a result! (oops - another exclamation mark - this just won't do - see original post for explanation...). Not only did they ban me but they didn't even bother to offer the courtesy of letting me know about it either. If there was a trial by jury then I was certainly not afforded any representation in the decision.

They are certainly entitled to pick and chose who participates on their website. They are certainly quite able to ban me or anyone else if they so desire. But what is it that they are actually doing by banning someone like myself from their 'discussion' site? Perhaps one day, they will come to realize that this type of action can result in the 'Emperor is wearing no clothes' syndrome. If you control a site like that so closely to people all of a like mind what are you creating? Certainly not an open forum for debate and questions.